Once in a blue moon

 ———

Blue moon shines brightly outside, yet my eyes refuse to shut down. Loosing track of time, getting palsy-walsy with the sound of crickets making an orchestra. Oh its actually not so noisy, turns out it was on my head that still busy inside making noises i couldn’t tell one by one. Maybe i need someone to talk, and my mirror reflection could be the best option so far. Longing to have a chance to see verisimilitude of myself that i never met.

I might let my ego out too freely so i become insouciant. While some other time, i’m drowning to a reverie in the middle of convos. I don’t understand how i could hate to talk so much, while in fact i do talk unnecessary things a lot and being so self-centered human being. Then left with pervasively lassitude in every single end of the day. The weight of tiredness piling up the shoulders, even day off couldn’t dispel. Repeatedly, turned into 2AM tears that crawling on my cheek to my pillow.

Decoding my own feeling never be my strong suit. It does harder than telling the taste of a sugarcane. I wish i could pour my feeling out like pouring a cup of coffee so you could have a taste what its like. But you don’t like coffee. Most importantly, what is the needs for you to taste it anyway? 

oh no, not now, the cycle of those episode has come. 

The inner shemozzle screaming out loud seeking for a helve to reach with a shaking hands, yet it still unreachable, so i relying on my feet. No no, i'm not trying to look like the most miserable person on earth. It's not. But i do really hope no one could ever feel this way. Try to calm myself down to the point its all silence. Either all black or all numb or maybe red. Just like the night when they lost their moon or the day when the sun hiding behind the grey cloud. ‘Till i reached the equanimity.

• Andin, September 1st, 2023

You, My Thoughts & My Self

——-

Hey

It took a decade to realized this

But i think.. i didnt miss you

I miss myself

Who literally shines when i’m happy

Who could having a good cry

And let the feeling out whatever it is

I miss the figure

that randomly saying im pretty

yet still trust deeply

Which is, it was myself

And what i always did, 

long time ago when i was in my happy term

I miss the figure who look me in the eyes

Seeing through the feeling

Read all the emotions

Listen all the thoughts in mind

Which is, it was me, myself

And what i used to do often infront of the mirrors everyday but no longer did

Im tired of talking

But i can’t stand when circumtances being stuck

Or anyone feel ignored

Because i knew how bad it feels

So i won’t stop talking & forget my tiredness

I miss being understood

I thought it was you,

But turns out it just reflections of the past me

in you, that i saw

Turns out I miss being treated nicely with my own self

I hate myself so much while i should be the one who love it the most

I lost myself once

I thought i found it when i met you

But i was wrong

I found it when im loosing you

I set you free

But how can i escape from your gravity?

But anyway,

thank you,

for helping me to find myself.

Am i allowed to be happy now? Please?

But just don’t take that happiness away again

Let me be happy with myself

Can you?

Andin, 06 Agustus 2023

Things i love the most but lost.

——————

Have i told you i love morning zephyr?

It carries a tenderness of hope, creating all harmony to a new beginning to embrace in optimism. My favorite before you take the throne of things i love the most.

I love morning walk. Birds chirping, sun shining without eyes hurting, petrichor hanging in the air, and the calmness of morning zephyr when passing through your whole. But now i know! It feels way more better when there is you in every details of it. Turning my page of life into a tape record of yours from my perspective. I ain’t complaining.

I was all agog as i sat there during my time of morning walk, longing for the sound of a bicycle of yours getting closer. The excitement leave my languor behind, questioning why i can be so limerence towards you.

And it was a folly if i recall what happened next. A phantasmal memories follows me all over the place and it hits me hard to the point it changes me into a dawdler. Traumatized. And i knew it given the same exact amount of agony to you, or maybe more. You were my home while i was only a rotten grass in your garden.

Even some saying been spoken : “a pain from the past will not last forever, it will dwindle away”. So my question is “when? Just when?!”. Clock are tickling and i keep trying to gallivanting around to find myself lost. Bemused by my own. 

Go laugh it out loud, i’ll do it later when i got my insanity back to where it should. Because when you lost something, its not only one thing that taken out from your life. It is also the habit you had from the moment started when you met a good to your bad.

Vigilant feeling bloomed to your daily and the vistages of their presence when they were here cast a spell rent free on your mind. Every scents you snuff, unplanned plans you wrote, places you went, histories on your google maps, rooted deeply. Haunted you perpetually. The enigma that forever be unfolded.

Andin, 12th July 2023.

A mess.

————

Does the paper still written “stay” ?

Yes

Did i do something about it?

No, not anymore

Im tired.

Can i take a rest on your place one more time?

Just like the old time i escaping everything in my life

You wouldn’t hear me

You wouldn’t trust me

Eventho i talk in every languages i could

Over reality i did

Also in every tone you could hear

Come!

Wanna see around one more time?

Or just take a look from outside

You wouldn’t like it

Its all messier here

How could i clean this mess up 

When everything i touch is scattered?

A month has passed

And the pictures still there

Sounds obsessed?

I don’t know

Call me crazy i don’t mind

My mom used to called me that anyway

No one ever stay for too long

And this time i really not ready for this

I’ve never been ready

Trying so hard to hold whatever this called

While i knew you’ll leave one day

I can’t promise everything gonna be always right

But i promise you i’m trying hardly to be better

But…

Time pushed me to stop

Tied me to not having another step

Locked my soul behind

On the memories that keep rewinding itself

Back to the time when i was in your car,

Rainy evening, in the parking lot,

Three words that makes me cry a bunch and smile the brightest

Should i try one more time?

It could be a massive mess

At least for me

Seeing you in the present is enough

Yet i couldn’t even have it

Eventho we won’t having any future waits

So what are we doing?

I’m toxic for wanting you only for myself

While you didn’t even think its worthy enough to continue

Wasting your precious time over a mess

You said love is not like a light switch

That you can turn it off when you didn’t want it

But it switching off now and i couldn’t switch it back

And i also don’t know if you could hear this

But from the bottom of my heart,

For all the things that scattered and tears apart,

For another mirth that creates amorous moment that turns into nightmare you couldn’t erase like your galleries

For all the hurts that we feel

I’m so sorry

And im sorry for being a mess

Your mess

That couldn’t escape from the thing called ‘memories’

Andin, 29th June 2023

Rewinding Memories.

———-

“I know its random, but i like your perfumes”

It’s amazing, a voicenote could magically release butterflies on my tummy.

That time even a hello stroke me for a moment

“Shall we go now?”

"Yup yippiiie!" answer me enthusiastically

It might a nervous or my anxiety taking over 

I keep talking about all the things happened while inside my head keep thinking of hope you didn’t leave me hanging in silence

I wish you never felt this

Being so loved yet hated at the same time

Being so safe yet insecure at the same time

Being so happy yet sad at the same time

Its all ambivalence

Its confusing why you can’t see perspective on my head 

while you’re the one who always on my head?

Just like a Gemini, yes, you are,

has 2 different characters even me couldn’t guess when is one or another might appear to the surface

I know i'm not finished with myself,

i shouldn’t love you while i couldn’t even love myself first. 

I tried to make it up, but your sudden come speechlessly fulfill my whole

Like whenever you said “its okay, you’re safe with me” while hugging me

and tears burst out through i keep saying :

“you’re not supposed to. I'm gonna need you more and keep clinging, its not fair for you"

you hugged me even tighter and said "it's okay, you can be yourself with me" 

I love when you get out from your white car just to see me taking a faster step

saying hi with a brightest smile on my face

calling your name in a high pitch upon happiness that will happen today

waiting for you to open the door

I sit there, excitedly, “where do we go?”

You saw me with a warm smile of yours, saying “how are you feeling today?” 

or the time you said “i like your necklace, it match your outfit” in our first date.

“Do you wanna come with me?”

You asked me so many times, yet me, myself, always saying the same answer : 

“No i dont.. i can’t, why you’re not the one who come with me instead?”

Well, even with a help of 2 Gods can’t brought us together so we need to let it go

Just like the sun is changing shift with the moon

And the moon changing his phase

They had their own certainty that not even the same

Same goes to us, it become more clear as the time passing by that we’re a different brick of puzzles

Like its fitted, but we’re not supposed to be installed together, 

yours with your incredible Van Gogh art, meanwhile me, with an edgy random pinterest flower garden

Could you even catch the difference now?

So here we are, distance, but keep hurting each other inside. 

Andin, 23rd June 2023

A Letter to My Neptune

————

Tic tac toe

Count a little but not make us two

Being angry, but feel sad too

Or maybe the time when you said me too

But in fact what we got is a different point of view

Or just my habbit that really bothers you

Nah i don’t want to defend myself towards you

I was so wrong and make it turning blue

Not trying to be a victim but i do feel really bad hurting you

I should’ve clean up the mess first when i let you

Moreover when you said i’m done giving chances to you

If i could turn back the time im really hoping never met you

So in the very next time i dont have the standard that only could have passed by you

Maybe later, but its gonna be extremely long journey to pursue

I remember some sayings that describe a lot about you :

“Sunset is beautiful, isnt it?” 

You got what it means, don’t you?

But then until time passing by, i never have enough strengths to say that to you

Now it still left unsaid yet already shooting a stroke to the heart that belongs to

Im sorry…. I remember you said we better ended before anything goes bad for both of us without argue

Because we already knew where this thing goes to but i keep holding on without thinking will end up hating you

Me and you

Mars and Neptune

We never meant to

But i hope everything goes well around you

I should take a step back since there’s no way i could get closer towards you

Goodbye my Neptune, i hope your strongest winds brings back our orbit together eventho i knew it’s impossible to do.

Andin, 11th June 2023

Somewhere in the corner.

Its messy…

Things are mixed.

Not in their proper position.

A doll in the shoe rack..

Clothes on the floor..

Cats in the box.

Wait,

why on earth its on there anyway?

Do i even have a cat?

Ah nevermind.

Then eyes keep running through the place

to see another things left behind.

Broken hairpin with a tangled hair..

Pencil next to the pillow..

Yet the books in the random bags

And the paper on the table thats written “Stay”

Oh!

But we’re not talking about room here, no?

- Andin, 30th May 2023