A mess.

————

Does the paper still written “stay” ?

Yes

Did i do something about it?

No, not anymore

Im tired.

Can i take a rest on your place one more time?

Just like the old time i escaping everything in my life

You wouldn’t hear me

You wouldn’t trust me

Eventho i talk in every languages i could

Over reality i did

Also in every tone you could hear

Come!

Wanna see around one more time?

Or just take a look from outside

You wouldn’t like it

Its all messier here

How could i clean this mess up 

When everything i touch is scattered?

A month has passed

And the pictures still there

Sounds obsessed?

I don’t know

Call me crazy i don’t mind

My mom used to called me that anyway

No one ever stay for too long

And this time i really not ready for this

I’ve never been ready

Trying so hard to hold whatever this called

While i knew you’ll leave one day

I can’t promise everything gonna be always right

But i promise you i’m trying hardly to be better

But…

Time pushed me to stop

Tied me to not having another step

Locked my soul behind

On the memories that keep rewinding itself

Back to the time when i was in your car,

Rainy evening, in the parking lot,

Three words that makes me cry a bunch and smile the brightest

Should i try one more time?

It could be a massive mess

At least for me

Seeing you in the present is enough

Yet i couldn’t even have it

Eventho we won’t having any future waits

So what are we doing?

I’m toxic for wanting you only for myself

While you didn’t even think its worthy enough to continue

Wasting your precious time over a mess

You said love is not like a light switch

That you can turn it off when you didn’t want it

But it switching off now and i couldn’t switch it back

And i also don’t know if you could hear this

But from the bottom of my heart,

For all the things that scattered and tears apart,

For another mirth that creates amorous moment that turns into nightmare you couldn’t erase like your galleries

For all the hurts that we feel

I’m so sorry

And im sorry for being a mess

Your mess

That couldn’t escape from the thing called ‘memories’

Andin, 29th June 2023

Rewinding Memories.

———-

“I know its random, but i like your perfumes”

It’s amazing, a voicenote could magically release butterflies on my tummy.

That time even a hello stroke me for a moment

“Shall we go now?”

"Yup yippiiie!" answer me enthusiastically

It might a nervous or my anxiety taking over 

I keep talking about all the things happened while inside my head keep thinking of hope you didn’t leave me hanging in silence

I wish you never felt this

Being so loved yet hated at the same time

Being so safe yet insecure at the same time

Being so happy yet sad at the same time

Its all ambivalence

Its confusing why you can’t see perspective on my head 

while you’re the one who always on my head?

Just like a Gemini, yes, you are,

has 2 different characters even me couldn’t guess when is one or another might appear to the surface

I know i'm not finished with myself,

i shouldn’t love you while i couldn’t even love myself first. 

I tried to make it up, but your sudden come speechlessly fulfill my whole

Like whenever you said “its okay, you’re safe with me” while hugging me

and tears burst out through i keep saying :

“you’re not supposed to. I'm gonna need you more and keep clinging, its not fair for you"

you hugged me even tighter and said "it's okay, you can be yourself with me" 

I love when you get out from your white car just to see me taking a faster step

saying hi with a brightest smile on my face

calling your name in a high pitch upon happiness that will happen today

waiting for you to open the door

I sit there, excitedly, “where do we go?”

You saw me with a warm smile of yours, saying “how are you feeling today?” 

or the time you said “i like your necklace, it match your outfit” in our first date.

“Do you wanna come with me?”

You asked me so many times, yet me, myself, always saying the same answer : 

“No i dont.. i can’t, why you’re not the one who come with me instead?”

Well, even with a help of 2 Gods can’t brought us together so we need to let it go

Just like the sun is changing shift with the moon

And the moon changing his phase

They had their own certainty that not even the same

Same goes to us, it become more clear as the time passing by that we’re a different brick of puzzles

Like its fitted, but we’re not supposed to be installed together, 

yours with your incredible Van Gogh art, meanwhile me, with an edgy random pinterest flower garden

Could you even catch the difference now?

So here we are, distance, but keep hurting each other inside. 

Andin, 23rd June 2023

A Letter to My Neptune

————

Tic tac toe

Count a little but not make us two

Being angry, but feel sad too

Or maybe the time when you said me too

But in fact what we got is a different point of view

Or just my habbit that really bothers you

Nah i don’t want to defend myself towards you

I was so wrong and make it turning blue

Not trying to be a victim but i do feel really bad hurting you

I should’ve clean up the mess first when i let you

Moreover when you said i’m done giving chances to you

If i could turn back the time im really hoping never met you

So in the very next time i dont have the standard that only could have passed by you

Maybe later, but its gonna be extremely long journey to pursue

I remember some sayings that describe a lot about you :

“Sunset is beautiful, isnt it?” 

You got what it means, don’t you?

But then until time passing by, i never have enough strengths to say that to you

Now it still left unsaid yet already shooting a stroke to the heart that belongs to

Im sorry…. I remember you said we better ended before anything goes bad for both of us without argue

Because we already knew where this thing goes to but i keep holding on without thinking will end up hating you

Me and you

Mars and Neptune

We never meant to

But i hope everything goes well around you

I should take a step back since there’s no way i could get closer towards you

Goodbye my Neptune, i hope your strongest winds brings back our orbit together eventho i knew it’s impossible to do.

Andin, 11th June 2023